Helping Children Cope with Death & Loss by Honoring the Loved One

My grandmother’s death this past summer left both myself and my daughter, age 11, with many emotions as expected from the loss of a loved one. For me, I had been aware of her ailing health and was able to mentally and emotionally prepare the year prior whereas my daughter had not, as the only changes she knew of were that “grandma wasn’t feeling well” and that their overnight, weekend visits were longer possible. I have been told that it is not until months later that the loss is the hardest and, nearly 4 months since her passing, I would venture to agree especially with holidays approaching. For my daughter, it is proving to be particularly difficult and leaving me as her mother schooling myself in dealing with death and how to best support a child who is grieving.

This was my daughter’s first experience with the death of someone with whom she shared an extremely close relationship. I, as the oldest grandchild, shared a wonderful relationship with my grandmother. My daughter, as the oldest great-grandchild, shared just as wonderful and very special relationship with her as well. In fact, the small dimple on her chin was, in the delivery room, immediately attributed to my late-grandfather who was the only person in our family to have the same dimple—this was the start to an eleven year relationship between a great-grandmother and great-granddaughter that even she, at age 11, knows many never get to experience.

Up until the last few months, they would talk every single morning before school and every afternoon as my daughter walked home from school. It was “their time,” and both equally looked forward to it. Their weekends together for years were full of memories of card playing, garage sales, church, late-night ice cream floats, and hours of lying in bed talking. I have found that my daughter knows things about my grandmother and her childhood that neither I nor my own father knew. They had something special.

What I have learned most through this process is that, although children are adaptable and can adjust, they will too experience a response to the loss, grief and death; and, it will not be immediate. This past week, we happen to find an old photograph of my grandmother holding my daughter at age 3. This photo triggered a flood of emotions that manifested through sobbing, tears and longing for her grandmother back. As a parent, I felt helpless as, I am certain, so many parents have felt in these moments. It did not matter that I was there holding her, she wanted “grandma” and understandably so. I wanted her, too—I want her. I would give anything to talk to her one last time, yet my mind is processing this with over two decades of life experience my daughter does not have.

Although there are many ways we can support a child during these times, I found that honoring the loved one and our memories of them was extremely helpful for my daughter. I believe it is one way to help them through their process of dealing with death and loss. We were fortunate that my grandmother’s birthday happened to be a couple days later, something that ultimately resulted in not a sad time but part of the healing process. The late night of my daughter sobbing to be with her great-grandmother turned into our planning a small celebratory act two days later by purchasing our grandmother’s favorite colored balloon (blue) in honor of her birthday. Immediately the next morning, my daughter had written a note she wanted to send with the balloon which is the photo you see here. That we had planned something special in honor of her birthday was one act that helped us move past this hurdle in coping with the loss.

Death and loss are unavoidable in life. Finding health ways to deal with these losses is extremely important and should be done actively when it comes to helping our children cope. As I have found just recently, moving on with our life in an attempt to “cope” sometimes requires us to embrace the memory and remember them in an extra special way. I think for children, it is good for them to see us not trying to pretend the loss is not real or acting as if it does not affect them.

Loss for children occurs in many things, like death of pets, divorce, loss of friendships, and relocating. Yes, they can and do adapt to these losses as this is part of growing up and maturing. What we must remember as we try to help support them is that we cannot protect our children from these losses, but we can help prepare them to understand and best cope with whatever loss comes their way. Recognize that there are hurting and grieving, learn what you can about the mourning process for children, and support them in any way you can—even if it is a simple act like purchasing a blue balloon in honor of their passed grandparent. That was perhaps the best 0.95 I ever spent!