Find Love and Keep Love by Changing Your Communication

Communication—The Key to a Successful Relationship. How many times have you heard this? Often, I presume, since it is a popular topic in magazine articles, books and other self-help material all aimed at improving our relationships. With this, it should be no surprise when I tell you that good communication skills in a relationship, whether marriage or dating, is vital to a successful relationship. However, what may be lacking in our knowledge of this topic is the fact that everyone communicates all the time, in every relationship---the difference is the quality of the communication.

Whether you like it or not, you are communicating in your relationships. In some basic ways, communication for dating is the same for communication in marriage and committed relationships. Let me mention that, although this article focuses on romantic relationships, do not think for a moment that it does not extend to relationships with friends, family, co-workers or even the grocery clerk. Effective communication skills can take you a long way and, quite literally, have the potential to change your life.

What is Communication?

Communication is a very intricate topic, the power of which I believe many people underestimate. If you view communication as simply "talking," you are far off from a true understanding of what it is and, presumably, how it may be affecting your relationships. Communication can be defined as "Any act by which one person gives to or receives from another person information about that person's needs, desires, perceptions, knowledge, or affective states. Communication may be intentional or unintentional, may involve conventional or unconventional signals, may take linguistic or nonlinguistic forms, and may occur through spoken or other modes."[i] If you are like me, you may have needed to read this definition a couple times to follow it. Let's break this down a bit.

Communication may be…

• Intentional or Unintentional
• Conventional or Unconventional Signals
• Linguistic or Non-Linguistic
• Occur through Spoken or Other Modes

It’s time for a Communication Check-Up!

How often do you step back and take a look at your communication? Is it just when a situation occurs that forces you to consider your skills in this area? We go to the doctor for yearly check-ups, or when we are ill and need to resolve a health issue. We go to the dentist for six-month cleanings and check-ups. We even go to the beauty salon for regular haircuts and color. Whether or not your relationship (dating or marriage) is suffering, per se, it would be beneficial to assess any communication areas that could use improvement.

Communication also includes listening.

One aspect of communication we may underestimate is the underlying disrespect motivating some of the judgmental statements, assertions and even thoughts of our partner. Is your communication respectful? This includes both respectful speaking and respectful listening. Learn to become a good listener, and you may see huge improvements in your partner’s desire to talk. Men and women definitely communicate in different ways. This we cannot deny. Men and women listen differently. Men and women talk differently. Men and women interpret things differently, and so forth. Yet, despite these differences, both men and women deserve an honest attempt at listening to each other’s perspective. If you do not know where to start, listening is a great first step. For men, often women just want you to listen—they really do not want to hear a list of possible solutions, at least not yet. For women, men may also just want you to listen and know that you are on their side. Stop what you are doing and just listen. This act alone shows you care.

There are so many great resources available today. Two of my favorites are For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men and For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women by Shaunti Feldham. If reading isn’t your thing, or you just don’t have time, at least start by taking an honest look at your communication (including listening) skills. Did you pass your Communication Check-up? Where could you make a small change?

[i](National Joint Committee for the Communicative Needs of Persons with Severe Disabilities, 1992, p. 2) http://www.unm.edu/~devalenz/handouts/defcomm.html